Where to Watch Two and a Half Men • Season 5
19 Episodes
- Large Birds, Spiders and Mom
E1Large Birds, Spiders and MomCharlie is plagued by a terribly and 'intimate' itchy rash (privates is inappropriate for him, as Alan points out). Now Jake is finally allowed to junior high school, Alan 'prepares' him by making him a target of ridicule, not bullying. Alas Alan and Charlie pull out too many horror stories, so Jake finds his own safe 'solution'. Charlie mocks Alan's constant cowardliness, stirring him to a single, soon regretted act of ill-considered bravery. - Media Room Slash Dungeon
E2Media Room Slash DungeonAlan walks into Evelyn's trap, so Charlie gets recruited as her male escort instead of spending the evening with his latest girlfriend Mitzi. However, Charlie enjoys learning how she works the high-end real estate market. Alan's night alone with Sharon goes wrong because of her near-suicidal self-image. It gets worse--but not for everyone--when Charlie breaks his promise not to date a top client's adulterous wife. - Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
E3Dum Diddy Dum Diddy DooAlan convinces Charlie that he needs to date more respectable women and sets him up with a judge. The two double date and their waitress happens to be one of Charlie's ex-girlfriends. Charlie's date backfires the following morning, when he ends up in court in front of the judge. - The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room
E7The Leather Gear Is in the Guest RoomAlan's arrogant decision to place a cheap, flashy bowl he bought in a prominent place is the last straw for Charlie, who reminds him of his place as the guest. Alan claims it wasn't a home until he and Jake moved in. He leaves, but has nowhere to go and lands at Evelyn's door. She doesn't want an audience while she plays sex games with Teddy, so the unwilling host tries lies and worse to reunite the brothers. - Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids
E9Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar LidsAt ma Evelyn's engagement party, her fiancé Teddy makes Charlie promise to stay away from his foxy daughter, wicked luxury car salesperson Courtney. However that vixen successfully seduces and screws Charlie, for a change - and for a fair fortune. - Kinda Like Necrophilia
E10Kinda Like NecrophiliaCharlie's French latest conquest, Gabrielle, makes Alan hornily jealous. So he desperately calls Charity, who dumped him on his prom night, only to learn that it was for Charlie. Jake also was just dumped. Charlie tastes sweet revenge when Gabby dumps Alan for him, but soon gets a bitter aftertaste, with worse to come. - A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
E12A Little Clammy and None Too FreshCharlie has a killer cold and is feeling miserable but nobody comes to take care of him--until Rose returns from England. However, Rose talks about eternal care, gives him her pills, and clearly enjoys nursing him entirely too much. After two weeks he feels transformed into a living doll. Meanwhile, Alan feels miserable now that he is the very last person with whom Jake wants to spend time. - The Soil Is Moist
E13The Soil Is MoistCharlie correctly predicts that Cynthia Sullivan, a friend of Judith and Alan while they were married, will even go for Alan. Alas, born loser Alan can't help stressing about her remark that Judith considers Herb her best lover ever, even imagining that the couple are observing his performance. - Winky-Dink Time
E14Winky-Dink TimeAlan is through with disastrous 'romantic' dates, so he gets Charlie to find him a cheap, but classy, hooker. Jake can only get a date with young Milly by agreeing to a double-date with her mother and reluctant Charlie, who can't even remember the mother's name. Alan's lack of sexual self-confidence wrecks even Alexis' professional routine. - Look at Me Mommy, I'm Pretty
E16Look at Me Mommy, I'm PrettyAlan becomes the wedding planner for Evelyn and Teddy, who waives a prenuptial, while the Harper brothers discover their mother is very rich. Teddy finds Charlie, coached by Rose, stalking Courtney. Rose leaves Charlie behind to stalk Teddy herself. Charlie finds himself comforting Teddy's now-broke daughter, Courtney, who has lost her job. The ceremony goes ahead, with preposterous vows scripted by the fifth-time bride. - Fish in a Drawer
E17Fish in a DrawerWhile Evelyn still enjoys the wedding reception, Charlie finds her latest husband Teddy dead on bed, pants down and skull smashed. He and Alan have no choice but to inform their mother and call the police, which turns the feast into a murder investigation. The Harpers are treated as suspects, but ultimately learn neither Teddy nor his daughter Charlie's potential bride, were who they seemed to be.
